singley.org > blog archives > Planes with Benefits 06.08.2004

Did you know that Gary, Indiana has an airport?. Not such an interesting piece of information, until you hear their list of featured airlines: Southeast, Casino Express, and Hooters Air. Let's ignore Casino Express for now and focus on that last item. Hooters Air? Are you kidding me? But it's for real! They even have 737s with the giant Hooters branding on them. And not only are you filled with the joy of knowing you are flying in a plane owned by the hooterful restaurant, but you are flying in a hooterful restaurant. They offer "real food from the Hooters menu" and in addition to the regular flight crew, two "Hooters Girls" on every flight who come around serving drinks and, I dunno, stand there and look buxom. I'm not sure exactly why I find this so surprising, but I think it's in part because it's pretty unprecedented, isn't it? Can you imagine other restaurants expanding not into frozen foods or kitschy apparel, but national air travel? For example:

1. SizzlerAir - You get bags of peanuts like everywhere else, but on this airline, you can throw the shells right on the floor. Children under 12 pay-what-they-weight for tickets.

2. McPlanes - Double-wide seats for huskier travelers, the opportunity to "supersize" your in-flight meals, and Costume Party Playland in the luggage compartment for the kids.

3. Rain Forest Cafair - Am I on a plane? Or am I in the Amazon jungle?! Hard to tell on Rain Forest Cafair! With seats made out of mock-teak, floors covered in soft "earth," and the soothing sounds of the rain forest pumped in from overhead speakers, you'll feel like you've just stepped into another world! You'll be fed exotic foods like pineapple, kiwi and macadamia nuts, and all pre-flight instructions will be delivered by a macaw.

4. Old Country Express - From the moment you step on the plane, you are treated to a "first class" buffet of sumptuous foods and beverages. Seats have been completely removed from the left side of the main cabin to make room for steaming carts of mashed potatoes, jello salad, fried chicken, and at the end, Hector, who is happy to carve you a delicious slice of beef or pork. OCE's motto: "Ready for seconds before even finding your seat!"

5. Benihannair- The Japanese restaurant-that's-also-a-show has taken its chef's food-hurling antics to the sky. Once you've reached cruising altitude, prepare to be dazzled as steaming broccoli florets are launched with precision accuracy into the mouths of even the most remote coach passenger. Onions are juggled, bamboo shoots are flipped and tossed in bunches, bok choy appears in overhead compartments, only to be sculpted magnificently into beautiful swans. Unfortunately, due to terror alert levels, no cutlery is allowed on board the aircraft, but you'll be amazed by the chef's skill with spork, spatula, and floatation device!

Sweet! I would totally fly on Rain Forest Cafair!

Benihanair would be pretty messy as soon as you hit turbulence, though.

What about Star Trexpress? Flight attendants dressed up like those crazy-looking Klingon women and men who serve such delicacies as wucoprhbt and flrumqwt.