singley.org > blog archives > There are Security Issues in my Pants 04.07.2004

In the end, it was the woman rubbing the machine against my bum that solved the problem. I was at Borders with some folks planning what promises to be quite a shindig, so I was feeling a little slaphappy. Also it was late, I'd had a chocolate coconut cookie bar and I think my decaf tea had been accidentally spiked with some caf. So, when the security alarm went off as I exited the store, I thought it was pretty funny. I shot my hands in the air and turned around to face the burly store security guard. I give him my bag, then re-exited. Bam, alarm again. Let's try the phone and keys. Nope. The coat could be it, as I just bought that recently. Again, the obnoxiously loud beeping. Now at this point, everyone is laughing and a small crowd has gathered. No one thinks I actually stole anything, but still are curious what it was on my person that was tripping the alarm. I yank off both of my shoes and throw them past the alarm posts. Nope. The belt goes flying. Nah, no good. Now here I am in the middle of a small crowd of people wearing no coat, no shoes and no belt. The sweater was about to come off when the clerk said, "ok, sir, before you completely disrobe, come back behind the counter for a second." She thought it might be my jeans and so we tried to figure out a way to swipe my ass on the demagnetizer. Hop up on the counter? Hmm, no thanks. Instead she separated the machine from the register, held it at waist level and said, "ok, rub your backside on this." I turn, do as she says, and immediately there is a pleasant single "beep" as some hidden magnet in my pants is deactivated. There was a round of applause from the audience as I re-clothed and sauntered through the exit without making a sound.

I really wish I could see the security camera footage from that night.

Damn. That's a funny story.